Love And Relationship Therapy in London E18
It is a risk to love
What if it doesn’t work out?
Ah – But what if it does”?
As a specialist Love, Dating and Relationship Coach, my role is to empower you to become a high value woman / man and truly have the mutually healthy, loving connection you deserve.
What does the idea of being in a relationship look like to you?
Does it bring to mind positive or negative thoughts?
What is your idea of a healthy, loving relationship?
For your relationship to be good, what would need to be different or better?
Relating refers to two people having a connection in thought, feeling and behavior, showing understanding, trust and an awareness of the others perception. Many couples fail to manage this successfully and consequently, find themselves feeling deeply unhappy.
To be in a mutually loving relationship means that the 5 A’s are all being met. When you boil it right down, this is what both men and women ultimately seek. These are:
Acceptance of your partner warts and all, without trying to force or control change through their thoughts, feelings and behavior and what you believe they should, could or ought to be doing differently.
Appreciation of the little things they offer as well as an appreciation of the little things that they can’t or struggle to offer.
Approving, encouraging, being supportive and emphatic of your partner’s individual life roles, drives and goals, commitments and responsibilities, enabling a sense of personal space, freedom and trust.
Attention in the moment with your partner without planning too far ahead. Being aware of what you are both experiencing in your life right now, as well as how your and your partners past may be affecting the present.
Affection, Intimacy physically, mentally and emotionally enables a partner to feel comfortable exposing their vulnerable side to you, kindness and tenderness as well as lust and passion.
Having your partner’s back, fighting their corner, demonstrating trust, allowing them to be themselves, encouraging and supporting them to achieve their goals and desires are all fundamental markers of a mutually happy and loving relationship.
Sadly, the 5 A’s above are often not met and this is where problems can arise.
How many A’s are you giving to and getting from your partner?
Have you been experiencing feelings of sadness or despair over a relationship?
Do you feel deep unresolved anger or rage towards your ex partner?
Do you feel overwhelmed with anxiety or indecision as to what to do about it?
Perhaps you have recently split up with or lost a partner. Does the current loss you are feeling trigger past rejections?
Are you involved with a confusing or commitment phobic partner who blows hot and cold?
Fearful thoughts are not facts, they are simply your perception of the facts. Learn to change the way you think about relationships and your relationships will change.
Were you badly hurt in the past and now feel unable or fearful of allowing yourself to feel vulnerable again in a new relationship?
Did you lose a partner through death and now find the thought of going through such a painful experience almost too much to bare. Does this thought keep you ‘safe’ from opening your heart again due to intense desire to protect yourself?
Do you choose partners that you know are not 100% right for you because you know when you do eventually split you won’t feel such painful feelings of loss.
Does your partner’s behavior make you over analyze your interactions together? Do you blame yourself when actually deep down you know that they are the one with the problem?
Are you struggling to cope with being lied to or betrayed?
Are you the victim of a narcissistic partner?
Are you scared to be single, perhaps staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons e.g financial security or for the sake of the children?
Do you lack the confidence in yourself to believe you will find the suitable partner that you deserve?
When the past affects the present in a destructive way:
All too often, due to the inadequate parenting of our mother or father we grow up wounded feeling our needs as a child were not met, we then subconsciously try to recreate meeting those needs in our adult life.
This need at it’s worse, causes us as adults, to become emotionally, verbally and physically abusive toward others.
We may find ourselves, both consciously and subconsciously getting back at our mother or father through the way that we treat our partner, this type of dysfunction is far more common than you may imagine but the good news is, it is a behavior that can be worked through with professional support.
Did you have a mother or father who’s own needs came before yours?
Perhaps you feel they simply lacked the understanding and nurturing that you craved and therefore your emotional needs as a child were not met?
We often find ourselves getting involved with people similar to our parents, even though they are not actually the ideal type of partner for us. We do this because we are subconsciously trying to gain the love that we did not receive from our mother or father when we were young. Sometimes we try to heal old childhood wounds through current partners, particularly if our mother or father were not emotionally available or emphatic to our needs. Sometimes we seek out people directly opposite to our parents i.e a loving nurturing partner and find we cannot handle that much affection and attention because we are simply not familiar so that if feels overbearing or suffocating. In other words ‘It doesn’t feel like ‘home’. This explains why people fall from one abusive relationship to another.
Our Map Is Not The Territory
Lots of people experience bad relationships and break ups which puts them off trying again. If this is you, it is worth exploring the idea of what a relationship truly means to you. If in your mind it sounds like you are thinking ‘A relationship means, conflict, being controlled, not trusted, arguments etc’ then it is not surprising that this is not what you want, but this is not what a healthy relationship feels like, looks like or sounds like. So consider re- framing your idea to what you do want in a relationship rather than what you don’t and letting go of your past experiences.
Fearful thoughts, create a feeling of anxiety and this becomes a vicious cycle. Imagine where you would be without those fearful thoughts. Our feelings are not facts, they are simply our perception of the facts and like the weather they can change for the better.
When enough is enough
There are some times when you have to simply walk away. It’s rarely simple in reality, but with professional support you can find the strength to do it.
Walk away from physical, sexual, mental, emotional, narcissistic, passive- aggressive abuse before it drains all the color out of you and makes you sick physically, mentally and emotionally.
Take a moment to imagine right now what pleasure being in a mutually healthy relationship would look like, sound like and feel like.
How do you view yourself as a partner? Do you recognize your own dysfunctions and where they have come from?
Do your family members and/ or partners, display signs of having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Do they lack empathy?
Seem to create arguments and drama out of nowhere?
Blow hot and cold in their display love and affection?
Criticized the way you speak and behave?
Distort and exaggerate stories about you?
Spread smear campaigns about you?
Come out with strange statements that makes you question the way their mind works?
Is it affecting your health, well being and state of mind?
Are you clinging on trying to please but whatever you do is not good enough?
Are you the scapegoat or black sheep of your family unit?
Do you recognize yourself as Codependent?
Take a look at the list below to find out?
Do you have difficulty in identifying your personal needs in a relationship?
Do you just go along with your partner to please them?
Do you stop yourself from communicating what you want for fear of consequences?
Do you have fears of abandonment?
Do feel as if you the enabler? Putting everyone needs before your own?
Do you do things for your partner that you really don’t want to, to then get your way with something else?
Do you allow your partner to speak to you in a way that deep down you know is not right?
Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
Do you feel inadequate?
Do you have trouble asking for what you really want?
Do you need support to break free and set healthy boundaries?
Complementary no obligation telephone consultation
The 5 A’s
Letting go and moving on
Breaking the compulsive cycle / Pattern of behavior when choosing a partner
Humiliation, Sadness, Rage, Anger, Frustration, Jealousy
On / Off relationships
Relationships that are making you ill or sick
Scapegoat / Black sheep trauma
Healing unresolved Issues
Childhood wounds being replayed
Mourning and grieving / Stages of loss / Faith to move forward